Our leaders are taking on too much, sacrificing their health and well-being to meet the needs of their communities, and hiding their struggles.
Let's talk about the hidden burdens of autistic female leaders, the gendered dynamics that shape their experiences, and the importance of shadow work in fostering resilience and self-awareness.
The Double-Edged Sword of Masking and Gendered Expectations
For female and femme coded leaders, masking is not just a survival strategy in a pinch—it is a necessity imposed by societal expectations of how the feminine icon"should" behave. Women, even those in leadership roles, feel the expectation to be nurturing, empathetic, and emotionally available, regardless of personal capacity or how well our neurodivergent needs have been met.
This expectation of free emotional labor—the unpaid, unrecognized work of managing others' emotions and maintaining social harmony—globally falls disproportionately on women. But for autistic female leaders, this demand is even more taxing.
We must not only navigate the complexities of leadership but also perform the emotional labor expected, all while masking autistic traits to avoid judgment or rejection.
The result is a relentless cycle of overcommitment, exhaustion, and burnout.
The Doom Spiral: Gendered Pressures and Isolation
The doom spiral—a downward cycle of stress, anxiety, and depression—is a particularly insidious risk for autistic female leaders. The gendered expectation that women should be self-sacrificing and endlessly accommodating exacerbates this spiral.
The compulsion to take on more than they can handle, fearing that saying "no" will lead to being labeled as difficult or uncooperative, or lose an opportunity, all drive hyper vigilance.
This pressure is amplified for autistic women, who struggle with this extra burden while juggling the outside perceptions of their competence and likability that all autistic individuals report, regardless of gender.
As the demands pile up, these leaders begin to isolate themselves, hiding their struggles and becoming crystallized in rigid ideologies to maintain their roles and reputations. This isolation is not just a personal choice; it is a direct response to the fear of being judged and discraded by their communities.
The endless cycle of overcommitment, emotional labor, and isolation creates a perfect storm for mental and physical health deterioration.
Limerence and Gendered Idealization in Autistic Communities
Autistic communities, like all communities, are shaped by broader societal dynamics, including gendered expectations and power structures. Something that can easily end up happening is a kind of limerence within groups—a state of obsessive infatuation with an idealized figure, who is expected to embody both leadership and emotional caretaking.
This gendered idealization places an additional burden on autistic female leaders. They are not only expected to lead but also to provide emotional support and validation to their communities.
The pressure to live up to this idealized image can drive these leaders to push themselves beyond their limits, further entrenching the cycle of overcommitment and doom spiraling. Meanwhile, the lack of critical engagement from their communities can leave these leaders feeling unseen and unsupported in their struggles.
The Gendered Trap of Emotional Labor
The expectation of free emotional labor is a pervasive issue for women in all areas of life, and autistic female leaders are no exception. Emotional labor requires constant attunement to others' needs, a skill that can be particularly draining for autistic individuals, who may already find social interactions exhausting.
For autistic women, the demand to perform this labor is frequently internalized as a moral obligation, reinforced by societal messages that equate a woman's worth with her ability to care for others.
The leaders, of course, feel compelled to prioritize their communities' needs over their own well-being. The result is a profound imbalance, where these women give endlessly while receiving little in return.
This imbalance has led to resentment, burnout, and a sense of alienation from their own identities, and even psychosis.
Shadow Work: Reclaiming Autonomy and Selfhood
Shadow work is the act of acknowledging and addressing the fears, insecurities, and traumas that underlie our behaviors and decisions..
Finally facing what I buried in the shadows has been a powerful tool for reclaiming autonomy and selfhood. Shadow work has allowed me to explore the internalized belief that my worth is tied to my ability to care for others, fostering a deeper sense of self-compassion and resilience.
Autistic female leaders, (particularly those with PDA, because we use so much bandwidth inventing creative masks to hide our vulnerability) face a unique set of challenges shaped by autism, gender, and expectations. The pressures of leadership, combined with the demands of masking and emotional labor, can lead to a dangerous cycle of overcommitment and doom spiraling.
I have found shadow work incredibly helpful in interrupting this pattern. The goal of this work should be to foster lasting resilience and self-awareness, while challenging the gendered dynamics that perpetuate their struggles. We are all outt here feeling responsible for protecting our own well-being and creating healthier, more equitable communities for all autistic individuals. Within a society that opresses us. And some of us have children. And some of us live in poverty. And some of us manage chronic health conditions.
It's... a lot.
This isn't simply a prescriptive decree from my high horse, this is something I work hard on every day. And the work pays off, but it takes time, commitment, and is impossible to do without one or two friends.
I am always available in the peer support group. Just make a post if you are having a bad day and need a little support or a place to vent!
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